Friday, November 20, 2009

Matt's Guide to 2012


2012 isn't nearly as unremittingly bad as some people make out, as long as you approach it in the right way. Here's my handy five-step guide.
  1. Make sure you have a few beers beforehand. Three or four should suffice. You don't want to get too drunk at this stage.
  2. Spend the first 30 minutes of the movie in the bar with some more beer.
  3. Spend the next 30 minutes of the movie in the bar with yet more beer. (Don't worry, you're not missing anything. Some dudes figure out the world's about to blow up.)
  4. Go into the movie and watch the world blow up for about an hour. Take beer in if it's that kind of cinema. Watch LA fall into the sea. Watch Hawaii burn. Enjoy!
  5. As soon as you see the flying elephant, LEAVE THE AUDITORIUM. (You'll know what I mean when you see it.) Do not stop to collect personal belongings. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Return to the bar and drink beer while laughing at the complete absurdity of what you just saw.
A final word of advice. Do not try this at home.


5 comments:

Moonlight Pictures said...

Haha...yeah, I suppose thats a great guide. I just wish my theater allowed beer...

Phil said...

Yeah that about says it. Unlike almost any other movie where I would say "no go and see it and judge for yourself" I'm not ever going to watch this film. Although it might be even funnier on new years day 2013 (which to me sounds like a MUCH scarier year, BTW)

Just my 2p

J.R. LeMar said...

Well, I did not think that it was quite THAT bad. Though perhaps that is because I did not go in with very high expectations in the first place?

I am not really into "disaster movies." I never saw "The Day After Tomorrow" or watch any of those other various earthquake/tornado/flood movies. Never even saw either "Deep Impact" or "Armageddon" (or "Titanic"). But I figure that the reason people go to these movies is to watch things get destroyed, and people die. And, on that level, this film succeeded greatly.

It definitely had its implausible moments. The drive from LA to Santa Monica during a 10.9 earthquake was fun, but ridiculous, especially with the misplaced attempts @ humor (the two old ladies). And not once, but three times, we see the same instance of a plane taking off @ the very last minute, and then barely surviving the take-off. Okay, that is suspenseful the first time, but the next two times it is just predictable.

And during the end, when the Americans are on the ark, and they discover that the President is not coming, and that the Vice President is dead, and they mention that they do not know where the Speaker of The House is, I was thinking that in real life they would have had a plan for that in advance, and all those in the Presidential line of succession would have been accounted for.

But if you just turn off your brain for a couple of hours, and enjoy the destruction, then it works.

anaglyph said...

Now I REALLY want to see it.

anaglyph said...

I just saw it. Oh dear oh dear.

And worst of all, it had a lame stepfather! Oh, they 'tried' to make him seem like a nice enough guy, but:

•The audience was meant to find him irritating

•He was a plastic surgeon, a vocation that was none-so-subtly implied in the script as one that mostly comes about because a bloke is fixated on women's boobs.

•The loser real dad was actually preferable (even though on numerous occasions throughout the movie he continued to screw up parenting for his kids)

•The wife loved him 'enough' (in her words)

•He was goofy

•He was ultimately expendable

•The son was just under the wrong impression about his real dad, as was emphasised by the male-bonding 'free the jammed door' sequence at the end.

Friggin' hell.