Does anyone know of any good movies where stepfathers are presented in a positive light? It's one of those classic movie cliches: step parents are evil. Reuniting kids with their birth parents is a staple bit of plot. Like, err, The Stepfather, which pretty much defines how Hollywood sees stepdads (both the 1987 and 2009 films). Or 2012, a perfect example of movie stereotyping, where the hero is a loser who's separated from his wife and kids. She's now married to Gordon, a successful cosmetic surgeon, and it's obvious they're a happy family together: the kids are texting him when they're off camping with their dad. Throughout the movie, bad stuff happens to Gordon, and in the end, guess what, the hero and his family end up back together. Gordon's crime is simple - his kids love him, which means he's making them betray their real father, so of course he deserves to die horribly.
There are many more examples of movies with similar themes in the foreground or background: Mrs Doubtfire's another that springs immediately to mind. He misses his kids, so whatever he has to do to be with them, including breaking up his ex's new relationship, is OK. The only real exceptions I can think of are movies where the dad's a psycho, she's started over, and then he gets out of jail and tries to kidnap or kill them. Even then, it's usually mum vs evil dad, and the stepfather turns out to be well-meaning but useless.
Now, for those who don't know me, this is kinda personal. My three kids live with their mum, and they're now being brought up by another guy. And I'm now a stepdad myself, looking after Anna's two kids. All concerned seem to have accepted the situation, but it's a bloody tough one to adjust to, for all of us - kids, parents, and step-parents alike. You just have to deal with it and make it work for the best. I was brought up by a stepdad myself, and we didn't get on for a long time. It's only now that I appreciate just what he went through.
I'm all for Fathers for Justice and the rights of fathers. It's absolutely not right for dads to be denied access to their kids without good cause, and I don't believe it should be presumed that mothers are automatically the better parent when a marriage breaks up. However, the reality of life is that more and more kids are being brought up by step-parents, and many of them are doing a damn good job, often under difficult circumstances. There's no doubt that divorce is a bloody horrible thing to go through, and being separated from your kids sucks, whether it's by mutual consent or as a result of a bitter fight and a court decision. But still, it's easy to forget that you go through this crap because married life already sucked, and starting over is the only way to make life better. The idea is that after the anguish and humiliation, you actually end up with a family that actually works.
It would be a refreshing change to see that reflected in a movie. I'm not after a comedy or some Brady Bunch froth. It doesn't even need to be a movie about the stepdad and kids learning to get on. It would just be nice to see a movie where the stepdad isn't by definition an arsehole, or where the absent dad doesn't inevitably end up getting his kids back (and his ex-wife too). Perhaps something as simple as having the dad and stepdad get on well would suffice.
It would just be nice to see stepdads getting a break once in a while. Is that too much to ask?
4 comments:
Ha. Funny you should bring this up right now Matt - I was having very similar thoughts myself. I've now been stepdad to my two teenage girls for about two years and like you, I've noticed the general negative attitude to stepfathers - not only in the movies, but in general society as well. As far as I can see, the only real exception to the cliché of the 'unlikeable' stepfather in the movies is in the situation when the biological father has died. The scenario is usually then one of the kids coming to terms with their dislike of the 'new' dad (usually for obvious psychological reasons) and then some crisis precipitating heroic action from the new dad resulting in love and lemonade all round. I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but I know I've seen this played out.
But generally, you're right - the stepfather, who can be successful and handsome and even liked by the kids is almost inevitably intended to be despised by the audience. In my opinion it derives from the moralistic Christian view of the world that imposes on people the belief that once you're married, if it doesn't work out, then it's because you just didn't work hard enough at it. Even if the husband is a screw-up, well, that's because the wife doesn't see his genuine love for the family (and maybe he doesn't even see it himself) until some tragedy makes it clear to everyone. Of course, the stepfather (who never has biological children of his own in the movies) can never know this true love, so in times of tragedy he will always flee his family for his own interests because, well, he's an interloper to the proper order of things...
For my own part, I love my new kids about as much as I can, and would do anything for them. But although they like me, I'm pretty sure they don't love me. They do love their biological dad though, quite deeply, as much as he is really a reckless, unfaithful, unpurposed individual. He obviously loves them dearly, spoils them rotten, and is totally aware that he fucked up his marriage and all their lives with his bad behaviour. In short, he is the classic film Dad. I have no doubt that should 2012 play out, he would be the one the kids would turn to. But not his ex-wife though - she at least knows how the scenario would probably go down.
It seems to me there are two things underlying this. First is the message that blood family is always supreme. A stepdad can never be worth as much as a real parent. This is something deeply ingrained in our culture: how many stories are there about a child discovering their true parents and reclaiming their birthright? (He's not really a woodcutter's son, he's really a prince.)
The second is the beloved tale of redemption. Yes, the family failed, but through tragedy and perseverance, the father redeems himself, thus reuniting the family.
These are partly just classic story elements, but also they're deeply ingrained Western morality. It's important to our society to reinforce the nuclear family, and stories play a vital role in encapsulating our mores. But the modern world has changed, and perhaps it's time to start reflecting contemporary values. Hell, gay couples bringing up kids get better treatment in movies and TV than stepfathers do.
Eddie Duggan pointed me at this list of 111 films tagged with stepfather. http://www.spout.com/members/0/tags/stepfather/MemberTagFilms.aspx
A random sampling of 25 movies from that list had them all coming up with abusive, brutal, criminal, evil, cruel, wicked or perverted stepfathers.
I think I've made my point.
Yes, I did a bit of a search too and came to the same conclusion. On the whole, the stepfather portrayed in movies is at best unlikeable and at worst truly Evil with a capital 'E'. Mostly the latter.
Not only that, the 'stepfather effect' echoes into plots without a stepfather actually even being featured. I found a few films where one or other of the characters is somehow screwed-up because of 'abuse by a violent stepfather'.
Aside from your thoughts birthright and redemption, I wonder if there's another thing at work too - the fear of the old biological principle of the new father 'getting rid' of the old offspring so that he can make way for his own lineage? (I guess that's probably a subset of 'the blood family is always supreme') And (speaking for my own circumstance) also the general distrust we seem to have developed in regard to men without any children of their own being allowed into intimate contact with them - the 'pedophile-in-the-closet' scenario?
Even though my wife has always trusted me very deeply, I'm pretty sure this last was at least in the back of her mind in the early stages of our relationship. I know for a fact that it was in the kids' dad's mind, and even now I doubt he trusts me that much.
Interesting thoughts Matt, thanks.
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